I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
