If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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