went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
