Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
