glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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