How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
