I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is the high leading the old right now
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
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