Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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