I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
