I cannot find my penis.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
being pregnant is like rehab
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
