When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
