I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am available for nakedness
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
