Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
