Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
