walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
only you would photoshop your dick
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
