Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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