if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
