I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
