thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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