the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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