It's like a parade of train wrecks.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just had sex on a roof
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
