these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
