naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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