I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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