I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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