Define "chronic" masturbator.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Less talking, more tequila
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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