i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
