the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
