Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
