I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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