I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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