You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
