EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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