This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
