hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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