hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
