I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
