I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Someone came in the potted fern
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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