I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
