Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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