If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
