Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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