I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
