she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
