I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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