Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
