Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
