I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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