IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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