I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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