Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
