Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
